I really want to start living again... the last couple of years have been some of the worst of my life.
The last couple of years since my dads diagnosis with Cancer and subsequent death Ive spiraled into a deep deep depression and at times crazy rage and hate for everything. I mean I have always been suicidally depressed but the last few years Ive hit an all time low point. Also my partner at the time from his own abuses of vices had been given 2 years to live with cirrhosis of the liver, he is pretty much a heavy drinker and I got him to reduce his drinking and got him to do the chancy thing of reducing his stroke medication by half against doctors orders as 5 of his meds interact badly with alcohol and cause more liver damage. I still pretty much despaired at things, with that death sentence over his head and his drinking (at the point of having a death sentence on you there seemed little point in him giving up the drink then, though I had despaired at him hastening his death I had not wanted to take away the only thing that numbed dealing with it) In December he got a chest infection and through coughing so hard and pulling a muscle in his chest, being in severe pain he ended up having to go to hospital (he is on blood thinners so can bleed badly and was coughing up blood) . At this point they found out that his liver while still in a damaged stage had recovered to a stage which was no longer considered terminal...pretty much a miracle, though previously he had survived from a 2nd stroke which the doctor said the chances of him surviving was 15 million to 1.
In this time before this things had been pretty terrible for us both. I hit as many vices as I could get my hands on, drink drugs you name it, him doing them too sometimes. Most days spent making myself sick from minor overdoses, taking ridiculous amounts that Im lucky to have lived through myself (I wanted to hurt him and worry him as he did to me still drinking, and cared little if I died, I even took the ld50 of things on purpose to stress him out while mixing them with large amounts of alcohol) . We both argued, arguments escalating to violent levels, I was so angry at him still drinking. On so many drugs and drink I had become even worse a person. I smashed up the house on many occasions, him also breaking stuff up aswell. To prove a point I put my head through a window which was a mental and crazy thing to do after he dared me too on a joke to show how far Id go. I was lucky to only get minor cuts from this. Things had gotten very bad between us. Drink and drugs, and comedowns from them bring out the very worst in people, with little hope for a future either we was both lost to despair. It was at the point I put my head through a window the violent arguments stopped while we still argued terribly. The loss of the internet was another really depressing factor, in my new house I felt cut of isolated and stir crazy. While we loved each other things was very rough, we both had depression him severe and me with bi polar, him still recovering from a 2nd stroke and with a death sentence to cope with.
He still had the death sentence hanging over him but we gradually started to repair the vast damage that had been done in the relationship, things getting a little better gradually. It was very difficult for us both though. Each of us had done things that was abhorrent, neither of us willing to back down had pushed things to mental levels and when things go so far its hard to deal with what has happened and recover from it. Lols I know its crazy we stayed together. Only days we didn't argue was ones when he had his kids there (both of us having had violent abuse filled childhoods no matter our personal feelings at the times for each other would ever want to expose innocents to that type of upbringing or atmosphere, knowing the pain and suffering from them days and being modeled by it to have violent at times and crazy tempers.. know full well its damage and what a life of having no self worth does to you) Still I abused drugs and drink, we argued but the arguments getting less ferocious. Us having more an understanding of each other and us getting on better and better.
After Christmas with finding out he no longer had the death sentence things improved so much more for us both at last having some hope. Finding a real closeness together, in all the time we had never lost the love for each other just was both very hurt. From the bad things we learned a deep understanding and bond, pretty much we started with bad times and have got them out of the way and at last we both felt the burden of self hate start to weaken. Only other factor still really depressing was the lack of internet. It takes time to get away from addictions, once they get their grasp on you, escaping is easier said than done, with things like booze and pills you cant go from massive amounts to just stopping, it takes time to wean down. Now after at last getting the net and having cut down on all things apart from smoking cigs we both are ready to start living now not just surviving, and work towards a good life for both ourselves and each other. This is both what we wanted in the beginning when we got together. I had really let myself go him too, but from being almost broken you can find a strength you never had before. Its always going to be a struggle for us to fight the temptation of addictions, but we have each other to depend on and find strength in.
So at last we feel we can take steps to be alive and live and have a future together. I want to get back on track here, and find the love and passion I had for art when I started as well too as my negligence with art and commissions has bothered me greatly, as well and thank those who have been patient in waiting for me to catch up with things Ive owed.