So last month I made the choice to go back to drugs again after numerous drinking binges. Back onto the highly dangerous beyond belief research chemicals. (Brand new drugs basically untested on anything human .. so they haven't had chance to make then illegal yet, so you can be a lab rat too cos they only tend to ban these when they kill someone) I wont lie another draw they had made me so ill last time I has lost 50lbs with the vomiting and brutality of the withdrawal I was drawn to making myself thinner with them too.
I spent 2 weeks getting high of my ass. I was addicted beyond anything again, chasing hit after hit after hit. Using 4 chemicals at once, white powders burned on a piece of mesh on a tiny bong. I at the time felt I loved it. It was like the greatest high and joy I ever felt, I could be crying miserable and tears, hit that and I didnt give a fuck. I even thought at one time that the happiness I felt would be worth trading my life for. To anyone observing I was a state of course as I was wrecked beyond belief and would often just hit the bong feel the high pass out and rinse repeat all night. So well due to a fuck up I was due more powder to smoke and it didnt arrive and it ran out...
And the withdrawal started..
I didn't think it would be this bad this time but fuck it was...
(this was surprising as last time I did almost the same drugs (4/5 chemicals) for close to 2 months and this time it was worse of a lot less and quitting quicker)
first 50 hours no sleep, hallucinations constantly of voilent things, image after image, getitng your legs smashed of etc, being tortured, suffering pain, everything terrible.
Sense of touch was destroyed, the world was rocking and shaking all the time. I couldent even hold a xbox controller in my hands properly it was shaking and agitated. I was twitchy and wrestless and would cry and freak out. I had no sweat or tears either which was scary. Muscle shakes and spasms.
In the week that followed with all this. I got 1 hours sleep for the first 4 days and then zero sleep then next day before getting 5 then next day.
The worst was the violent urges and feeling of losing sanity. It was like I was transformed into another person. Some of the feelings of brutal voilence and rage was the most horrifying Ive ever had to feel, my body shaking with the emotion. The terror and the fear together.
My mental state by this point had declined a lot, especially due to the lack of sleep. I was just sobbing all the time feeling pretty broken and scared. I thought about dying every moment and was so afraid. The terror was just too much and I just got to a breakdown/breakthrough point. Yeah the tough person that was me just suddenly broke as was there no more.
At this moment I feel what I had and experiences was defined as life changing for me. I got to learn a deeper understanding of so many emotions in being broken like this. How most my life I have looked at the glass half empty when I could just fill it to the brim if I desired. I had lived a life so filled with terror at everything, so scared to do anything, so afraid and so week. Feeling so worthless and shit and every day wanting and craving to die but such a coward to take the path of suicide.
Anyway Its been almost 10 days now and Im feeling better a lot.
I very likely had a type of serotonin poisoning/ problem as well or something though I cant be sure IDK making this a lot worse this time, as fuck If I eat a banana the worst symptoms come on. (I have intense doctor phobia (last been to a doctor at age 14 im now 31) as well as needle so cant find out, and the chemicals are too new) Its still scary to deal with, I know 2 of the 5 chemicals are probably very bad, with deaths to them and fuck knows how much this was to do with the chemicals or even if the batch was bad quality. So my body has a bit of fixing to do to say the least. I lost 10lbs from it as well I was quite sick.
Im hope to be back around more in the next few days when I feel fully better and catch up on sleep and stuff. I still get some shakes a bit and my mental faculties are quite far from normal, guess gotta wait for my brain and body to repair itself fully.
I feel like I have found the beginning of myself, and for me to start actually being alive again and loving life for once. When I return I will create art as I always dreamed to and will not let doubts hold me back this time.